I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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