i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize