So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
