Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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