I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize