M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
