Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
