Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
