Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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