I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
