Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
