All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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