So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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