ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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