His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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