I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize