where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
