I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
