My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize