Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
