Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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