they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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