I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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