The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
