He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize