Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
