I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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