just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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