why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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