Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
