i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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