My sheets look like a crime scene.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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