he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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