I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
zippers are such a cool invention
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
