you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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