once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
