gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
as a side note pls kill me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize