Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
