look no pants
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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