he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Houston, we have a blender
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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