i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The power of my boobs compel you
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
