Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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