I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
