First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
