Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
