ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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