he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
