can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
