I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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