If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
