Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
