Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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