That's when you crack a 10am beer
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
