she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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