Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize