I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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