Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
