quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
