Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
