I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
