I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
