This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
