i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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