My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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