im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
